It's happened again, it's happened again, Tottenham Hotspur, it's happened again...

He'll probably get fined for this.

Okay. So we underperformed in Portugal, coming away with a 2-2 draw away. We've left it all to do in the second leg. Still, we have a better than even chance at advancing, and that's more than can be said of our noisome neighbours to the north. In the immortal words of Wojciech Szczęsny, it's happened again; it's happened again; Tottenham Hotspur, it's happened again. While we're still alive and kicking in our continental competiion, our erstwhile rivals have been bounced out, having failed to score even one goal to keep the tie with AC Milan alive. They're done. Dusted.

We're all Spurs fans now...

If you thought you were feeling something awful after Arsenal lost at Goodison Park, brace yourselves. While we're still five points clear, the result has forced us to consider making some rather uncomfortable concessions if we're to continue upgrading our expectations on this season from "I just hope we finish in the top four" to "I think we can win the Prem". It may come as cold comfort or even empty consolation to suggest that falling short of winning the Prem should still stand as a sign or progress, given that we've top of the table since the earliest of days. Having said that, it's not too early to suggest that winning the Prem is still within reach. It may just depend on the enemy of our enemy being a friend, if only for the weekend.

NLD Preview: A deep, deep block of lasagna...

So. It all comes down to this, possibly the most-important North London Derby in decades. If we lose, fourth place is still up for grabs. If we draw, we still have an inside track on it. Win—well, win, and it's all over. Fourth is ours. However, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Tottenham would never let us achieve anything of significance at their home ground. That would be truly humiliating. As I write, I'm feeling a bit peckish, with a hankering for some lasagna...but I should abstain. I have to watch my figure, and all those carbs could make me go pear-shaped. I should draw on past experience to guide me...

Rivals' Roundup #36: Zeno's Paradox and the Pursuit of Fourth Place

You know this blog is good because it makes a pop-culture reference and
  an allusion to Greek antiquity in one fell swoop.

Hm. Maybe I've hit on a new title for the Harry Potter series. I'll put a pin in that and come back to it later. Pretty good weekend, all things considered, as we inch ever closer to clinching fourth place. We're not quite there yet, no thanks to sodding Liverpool's wastefulness. Still, the list of contenders has shrunk to three...but I'm going to include four because, well, I'm a petty, petty man, and I will never pass up a chance to lord it over the likes of Man U. Having established myself as both a man of letters and a spiteful troll to boot, let's get to it.

Dammit, Liverpool. C'mon.

I should've known. Like Charlie Brown, Lucy, and the football, I should have known. Saturday was full of harbingers and omens and divinations. After Man City's shock loss to Real Madrid sent them reeling into a tailspin that should almost certainly carry over into the Prem, opening the door to Liverpool getting closer to an unprecedented quadruple, we saw Chelsea concede an equaliser in the extra minute of stoppage time added to the preceding six minutes of stoppage time and Man U get absolutely humiliated by Brighton. The stars, it seemed, were all aligning for us. All that was left was for Liverpool to do what everyone expected Liverpool to do. Alas and alack and all that folderol, here we are.

These go to eleven—can Arsenal overtake Tottenham?

Where do we go from here? Nowhere. Exactly. After two disappointing losses in matches we really should have won, it's starting to feel like the season is slipping away. I tried to think of the appropriate metaphor, the best idiom, to crystallize the situation. Sinking ship? I do like the idea of fairweather fans and bandwagoners and plastics deserting like rats. Sand slipping through our fingers?  It has its merits. What I'd like to introduce though is a concept from American baseball—the magic number. The magic number is the combination of one team's wins and its rival's losses that will ensure that this first team wins the division or at least finishes above those rivals. In this situation, though, we have to look at points claimed and points drops. If we're to somehow overtake Tottenham, this is a number we surely have to look at.

Open Letter to Tottenham: Get Bent. Literally.

It's been twenty years since we at our end have had to contemplate the horrible, awful reality that is about to come to pass. Not only are Tottenham about to finish above Arsenal for the first time in a generation, there's still a sliver of a chance that you could win the Prem. Doing so would allow Pochettino to match Arsène for number of Prem titles won at White Hart Lane, so good on you for that. Yes, this has all come about only because you've been playing out-of-your-minds-football while we've stumbled and stuttered. Ahead of Sunday's clash, then, who are you to dare trying to out-Arsenal us?

Oi, Tottenham! What do we think of you? (This could be an epic derby...)

They're 14 points clear of Arsenal. They have a glimmer of a chance of winning the Prem. They havn'et lost at White Hart Lane in 15 straight matches, having scored 49 an conceding just nine. With a win on Sunday, they kill whatever last embers of hope we have of finishing above. They're undefeated at home in their final season at White Hart Lane. It's looking more and more like Tottenham will end Arsenal's 21-year run of painting the town red. Could there be any more storybook elements to this derby? After all, all the stars seem to be aligning for Tottenham.

The perfect solution to Arsène's situation!

It's Sophie's Choice. It's Solomonic. It's having our cake and eating it, too. For years, as the debate over Arsène's tenure and legacy have waxed and waned, we've pondered what it might mean for the club's fortunes to see the manager of the last 20 years—the only manager many fans have ever known—step down. Would we fall out of the top four? Would we see an end to the twenty-year streak of celebrating St. Totteringham's Day or of qualifying for Champions League play? After all, we've watched it unfold over at Old Trafford even as they've spent bucketloads on transfers and cycled through managers. Wouldn't it be better for Arsène to stay on long enough to win one more trophy and hand the reigns over to someone who can build from momentum? After the debacle at the Hawthorns, however, we might just have our compromise solution...

Who gives a toss about St. Totteringham's Day?

Okay, I'll admit it—it's all but impossible to resist the glee and the joy that came from Sunday's results, in which we not only smashed Aston Villa 4-0 again but also witnessed, absolutely gob-smacked, as Tottenham out-Tottenhammed themselves by losing to ten-man Toon 5-1. Three of those goals came after Newcastle lost Mitrović to a red-card in the 67th minute. I've been saying for weeks that Tottenham couldn't handle the pressure of being chased, but even I could not have foreseen this meltdown. While I'm sure that we've all tucked into a tidy celebratory dinner of lasagna chased down by a few Newcastle Brown Ales, I hope I'm not ruining the party by suggesting we have bigger fish to fry.

We're all Fàbregas-fanboys now...

So, it's come down to this. We've eked past Norwich to secure another vital three-points, but the bum-squeaky tightness of it all only reminds us of just how piss-poor we've been over the last five to seven weeks months. Still, it's a marker of just how bang-average everyone else has been that we now find ourselves in third place three points clear of Man City after they were thrashed by Southampton. After a season in which we've been frustrated and infuriated in equal terms, dare we still dream of finishing above Tottenham? Irony of ironies, our chances of doing so depend in part on the prodigal pariah-gal son: Cesc Fàbregas. Tottenham goes into Stamford Bridge on Monday, and anything short of a win lets Leicester win the Prem. Should they stumble to a draw or, better yet, defeat, I daresay we swallow our pride and hope that Fàbregas does them in.

And it's Arsenal, not Arsène FC...

The writing's on the wall, now: with six fixtures left, Arsenal have to close a six-point gap on Tottenham or go without St. Totteringham's Day for the first time in Arsène Wenger's reign. It's been since 1995 that we've had to cancel a holiday that many Gooners had assumed was a birthright. 21 years—not that we're done counting, what with those six fixtures left. The younger ones among you—those who have known nothing but a guarantee that we would always finish above Tottenham come hell or high water—should remind themselves that this is a club, not man, and that the club has finished below Tottenham before. That Arsène hasn't ever done so is more his business than anyone else's.

Even at their worst, Arsenal is still better than Tottenham…

No Kos. No Čech. A spluttering offense that just can’t get on track. Sounds like a toxic mix, eh? We’re not done. Throw in two of the softest yellow cards issued in recent weeks, reducing Arsenal to ten men against high-flying Tottenham, and we truly have a recipe for disaster. Oh—and we’re not quite done. An injury to Ospina inspired the bum-clenching prospect of Ryan Macey between the sticks with the still shaky Gabriel and the still wet-behind-his-ears Elneny, A pulsing North London Derby at White Hart Lane looked like it would be Arsenal’s Waterloo. Instead, however, those Spuds bottled it, and now the pressure is on them to prove that they deserve to be where they are—just three points above Arsenal with 27 points still available.

Wenger in, Wenger out; let's just hope for a North London knockout!

It's been a generation since a North London Derby has been as pregnant with meaning as this one is. Not since 1993 has so much ridden on the result of this one. Much as we'd like to comfort ourselves with the fact that those twenty years and change reflect just how much better we've been than our noisome neighbours, we face a cold, hard truth and might be staring an uglier one straight in the face: Tottenham are, at least for now, better than we are. We are reeling from two consecutive defeats and are three points off their pace. Forget St. Totteringham's Day for the moment. Our season is on the line.

How's that, then, Chelsea? You boring, banal barnacles...

Arsenal overran Hull on Monday night, scoring three first half-goals and then conceding a second half header to ruin a clean-sheet, serving notice to anyone who still cares that, yes, it is still possible for a top-of-the-table squad to comfortably play an attacking, entertaining style  and win comfortably against a squad fighting to stave off relegation. Yes, Chelsea managed to find its way past a stubborn Crystal Palace side, but, as always, method does matter, and Chelsea's method does beg certain questions when it needed a dodgy penalty to win at home in order to secure the Prem title. Elsewhere, Arsenal steamrolled a squad in desperate need of a point if not three, serving notice yet again that how one wins does matter even if there are no points for style.

Hull 1-3 Arsenal: Vote for Player-Ratings/MotM

Arsenal broke Hull's will through two deflected goals in the first half and went into halftime with an 0-3 margin that brimmed with verve and confidence and style, the third goal a masterful through-ball from Ramsey that threaded past several Hull defenders as Alexis sluiced through them and beat Harper with a calm side-step before tapping in. Hull found a goal from a beautiful header from Quinn to deny Ospina the clean sheet, but it was still good enough to see us climb back up to second place, level on points with Man City and of course secure this year's St. Totteringham's Day. Good times. Give the lads what they deserve in the poll below!

'Twas the the night before St. Totteringham...

...and all through the house, not a creature was—ah, I'm talkin' bollocks. Enough of that. While we might have to wait until Monday to make it official, it looks like the weekend will bestow upon us another loverly St. Totteringham's Day, but is this what we want? On Sunday, Tottenham will host Man City, who are level on points with us while we have a game in hand. For as much as we might enjoy yet another chance to lord it over our annoying neighbors, we might have to choke back that little bit of vomit that rises to the back of the throat whenever we have to, you know, "support" Spurs.

St. Totteringham's Day draws near, but what of the Prem title?

Saturday's drab win over Burnley may not have offered much excitement on its face; it was about as calm a victory as I've experienced in a while. Once Ramsey netted in the twelfth minute, it felt like both sides settled into a comfortable rut, largely content to see out the remaining 80-ish minutes of football until Mike Dean saw fit to call time. However, we now trail Chelsea by just four points (easy, now...). Perhaps more meaningfully, though, the result means we now lead a certain other London club by twelve points. So what? Well, thanks to that other London club's home-loss to Aston Villa, the magic number for St. Totteringham's Day now stands at just six. Any combination of results that adds up to six points gained for Arsenal, six points lost by Tottenham, and we have our holiday!

Burnley 0-1 Arsenal. Vote for Player-Ratings/MotM

A twelfth minute goal from Aaron Ramsey put the visitors ahead, and that's about all the action there was to report; Arsenal kept 69% possession and held the Clarets at arm's length, and the hosts just couldn't muster any pressure or chances to speak of. There were a few queasy moments, to be sure, but we were good enough to claim an eighth straight victory. The result brings us to within four points of Chelsea (who have played two fewer matches as of this post) while heaping pressure on the Manchesters ahead of their Sunday derby. For those who like their schadenfreude, Tottenham lost at home to Aston Villa, dropping them to seventh and reducing the St. Totteringham's magic number to six. We'll revisit that later; for now, let's get back to the Burnley result and rate the our lads' efforts!

So that's what Arsenal looks like at full-strength...

...and it wasn't even full-strength. Still no Walcott or Wilshere, still no Diaby, Gnabry, Gibbs, or Vermaelen. Without quite claiming that we're back to full strength and admitting that Newcastle were perhaps even further from it than we are, it's telling just how much better we played and can play when we have options. With Aaron Ramsey and Mesut Özil back in the fold, we looked like a different team—more creative, more decisive, more dynamic—and the scoreline might actually do us a disservice on the day. Newcastle were overrun, plain and simple, but that takes nothing away from our performance, which was about as good as it's been since, well, since before we lost Ramsey... Özil... Walcott.... Wilshere.....