Secret Agent Jack Wilshere lures Declan Rice to join Arsenal...

This is the transfer rumour that just won't go away, isn't it? We're going to move Declan Rice to the Emirates by sheer dint of will—or, if rumour has it, Wilshere. As the story goes, our own Jack Wilshere, current manager of the u18s and former teammate of the former Irishman, could be our ace in the hole when it comes to securing Rice's services. The two buddied up during Wilshere's two-year spell at West Ham, and Rice has gushed over their relationship while also dropping hints about his future and his desire to play Champions League football. His contract is up in June 2024, but the persistent rumours suggest he'll be moving in a matter of months. 

Declan Rice has "agreed terms with Arsenal ahead of summer switch"

They'll learn to get along, right?

If you're the credulous sort, you may not know what the word credulous means, in which case, mail your wallet to me (best to overnight it) after making sure your credit card is there and you've recently visited an ATM. The normally creditable site FourFourTwo is out with a report that states that Rice has agreed a five-year deal at £200,000 per week, more than triple his current £60,000 per week salary. If true—and that's a bigger if than I know how to display with any keyboard shortcut I have available—it would make for massive news and a validation of our decision to sign Jorghino (who's been somewhat of a revelation thus far) at a mere £12m.

Declan RIce's been asking about life at Arsenal...

Well, well, well. It looks like a certain transfer-target has been sizing up options as his current club flounders, his former club casts about, and his preferred club thrives. Although the transfer window has been closed a week, that won't stop tongues wagging, and one of the stories quickening pulses has been that of a potential move to a different area of London for one Declan Rice. Having come through the Chelsea Academy (which does apparently exist despite almost all outward indications and having been a West Ham talisman, there's been plenty of chatter around the idea that Rice favors a move to Arsenal regardless of West Ham's ability to stave off relegation.

Arsenal prepare a SHOCK move for Evertonian...AND, um, an Ironian?

With news that Everton have finally sacked Frank Lampard, the vultures are circling the Merseyside corpse. Who among the current squad is worth poaching? With the Toffees looking to stave off relegation for the first time since 1931, it's quite possible that they'll be looking to sell of some assets to be reinvested in reinvigorating the squad during the run-in. Amadou Onana, the 21 year old Belgian would tick off quite a few boxes—young, versatile, desired by Chelsea—and he could very well offer some depth and rotation to a squad eagerly awaiting all of that and more. What would it take to pry the defensive midfielder away from Everton, who are circling the drain?

Arsenal want want-away West Ham watchman—for £80m?

We'd need a talking stick for Eddie and Dec talk through their feelings.

Okay, I'll admit I kind of got caught up in the alliteration and painted myself into a bit of a corner. I hope you'll accept "watchman" as a variation on defensive midfielder. I tried warrior and wizard, but those seemed a bit overwrought. "Workman" felt a little too blue-collar. Let's move on. I'm sure by now you've figured out  that we're here to explore the possibility that we'll go after Declan Rice. Numerous sources have reported that we're after him as a prime summer target, and this is probably part of why we walked away (alliteration!) from Mudryk and were never really after Felix. Splashing cash on them might have hindered about ability to go after someone like Rice. But why wait 'til summer?

Open Letter to Declan Ahead of his Emirates Audition...

Hey, Dec (can I call you Dec?)—

We've flirted with each other, haven't we? You were coy a year or so ago, encouraging us to go after Yves Bissouma and ultimately staying at West Ham, and why not? Moyes guided you lot to a seventh place finish, good enough to qualify for the Europa League Conference (congratulations on winning the group, by the way). However, the Prem campaign has...failed to impress. I hope this isn't impolite to bring up, but you're just a point from the drop-zone. That's gotta be a more than a bit frustrating. Still, y'all have only conceded 17 goals, level with such luminaries as Liverpool and Chelsea and stingier than Man U or Tottenham. We know you've been a big part of that.

Who needs Erling Haaland when we have Eddie Nketiah?

"No, Dec. Please. We're wasting valuable time."

Okay, okay, so that might be a touch hyperbolic and more than a smidge hasty. After all, Haaland hasn't played a single minute in the Prem so there's just no knowing if he could do what he's done on a cold, night at the Britannia Stadium. Considering that Stoke are mid-table in the Championship right now, he may never get a chance to prove that old cliche wrong. I don't know why I brought it up other than that it feels good to type "Stoke are mid-table in the Championship".  Let's get back to why I brought you all here, though. Eddie Nketiah put on his best performance of his young career against West Ham on Sunday. While he didn't score any goals, we've grown accustomed to that sort of thing around here. He did put four shots on target, and that, my fellow Gooners, allowed the 22-year old to clear a very low bar.