Arsenal win Group A only to face...Real Madrid? Bayern Munich?

Courtesy of a swash-buckling demolition of FC Basel coupled with PSG's craven capitulation to Ludogorets Razgrad, Arsenal have won their Champions League group. Ordinarily, this might earn us a chance at facing a somewhat-weaker opponent. However, Arsenal being Arsenal, the opponent we're most likely to face is Real Madrid, who finished second in their group after drawing at home to Borussia Dortmund. So it goes. Of the other second-place finishers, we might also draw once again to none other than Bayern Munich. Drop down below the fold to assess our odds and rate our chances of advancing past the round of 16 for the first time since 2010...

Call it the Curse of the Third Kit

A draw with Norwich in the Prem. A hiding by Bayern in the Champions League group stage. A shocking loss to Sheffield Wednesday in the League Cup's fourth round. Two goals scored, nine conceded. Injuries to Koscielny, Alexis, Oxlade-Chamberlain, and Walcott, a list to which we can now add Cazorla, maybe even Gibbs. What ties this series of unfortunate events together? What execrable element unifies these otherwise-disparate setbacks into one depressing heap? We're through the looking-glass here, people. The only culprit fiendish enough to mastermind such a vast conspiracy is none other than...the third kit!

Arsenal need a 2-1 win...or it could be Europa League for us!

The current attitude among many Gooners is about as angry as it's been in a while, and Tuesday could inflame those feelings even further. Anything short of a smashing win over Dinamo Zagreb—paired with a Bayern win over Olympiacos—ends our Champions League campaign before the Group Stage has even played out. We've been on tenter-hooks before, of course, but those were "Group of Death" level situations involving Borussia Dortmund and Napoli. Dinamo and Olympiacos are not cut from the same cloth, and yet they've caused us to rend garments all the same. Our back are up against it, no doubt about it.

Podcast: Let's talk Bayern, Spurs, and the international break

We return with another podcast appearance with Arsenal Review USA to discuss the post-Bayern hangover, our struggles with Tottenham's high-press, injury woes, and the welcomed arrival of the international break. If there's a silver lining to it all, it comes from Man City dropping points (somehow) to Aston Villa, Chelsea losing again, and the fact that most of our players will avoid international duty (well, except Alexis...). Not silver lining enough? Tune in to hear your correspondent's dulcet, velvety voice as he discusses the week that was...

How do you dodge a problem like Europa?

So. That's about it, then. With one depressing, catastrophic loss, our hopes of advancing past the group stage lie in a dilapidated heap. Scoring one goal clearly wasn't enough, not as the visitors against a more-determined home side. I speak, of course, of Dinamo Zagreb's capitulation in Greece, where, despite taking an early lead, they lost and thereby all but obliterated Arsenal's hopes of advancing. Our own loss in Munich is water under a bridge. A point might have been nice, but, we knew by halftime that this was out of the question. In fact, the less said about our own performance, the better...

Bayern have never faced an Arsenal as in-form as this one. Bayern 0-4 Arsenal, confirmed

We've had our fair share of run-ins with Bayern, and, let's be honest: each time, we've come up holding the short end of the stick. However, Bayern have never faced an Arsenal squad boasting of this kind of form, at least not in the last few seasons. In the Bundesliga, Bayern are little more than flat-track bullies, battering their opponents into submission and snatching up those players who flash the temerity to show them up. The flip-side to this is that they rarely if ever come up against a squad with the talent or tooth to take them to task. Enter the Arsenal. Depsite these Bavarian bullies' bluster, we've held our own, almost upending them in stunning fashion—and they've not had to deal with us in the form we're in, not even a few weeks ago when we battered them to the tune of a 2-0 scoreline.

Bellerín? Ballon D'or? Bellerín D'or. Done. Dusted.

¡Bellerííííííííííííííííííííííííííííííííííííííííínnnn!!!!!!!!! Holy ecstatic orgiastic surges of gloriousness, Batman. How many times has a player been abused so thoroughly by his opposite only to end up the conquering hero? Time and time again, it seemed, Douglas Costa would unleash some filthy abuse on our still wet-behind-the-ears right-back, and it was looking increasingly likely that, at some point, Costa would hit pay-dirt. It was only a matter of time. Even after Giroud had scuffed some kind of "header" past Neuer, it was still looking like Bayern would find an equaliser, most likely down our right flank. Then, in the extra time that Bayern's men had bayed for so lustily, Bellerín pounced. In doing so, he upended the Bavarian behemoths and staked his claim to being—pardon the hyperbole—the best right-back in the Prem.

Arsenal 2-0 Bayern: Vote for Player-Ratings/MotM!

Arsenal held off Bayern Munich until the 77th minute when Olivier Giroud nodded home from a Cazorla set-piece. We hung from tenter-hooks as Petr Čech turned away several shots, including a tough one from Lewandowski, to deny Bayern despite their 73% possession and 21 shots. Then, in added time, Héctor Bellerín made an interception, sped down the right flank and found Mesut Özil lurking in the box, and Özil, perhaps remembering previous miscues against Neuer, made no mistake to make it 2-0. Who would have thought our first three points would come against Bayern? We still have our work cut out for us, as Olympiakos won 0-1 in Zagreb, but we've kicked the door open a bit more with this result. Let's reward the lads for their efforts in ratings poll below the fold!

Bayern are little more than flat-track bullies. What happens when Arsenal say "boo"?

What's there to say other than that our Champions League campaign crashed and burned before it even left the hangar? A disappointing trip to Zagreb was followed by an astonishing loss at home; meanwhile, Bayern thrashed those same two by a combined 8-0 scoreline. We now sit at the bottom of Group F, peering up meekly at Bayern, who, just two matches in, look to have booked a spot in the knockout stage already. Another three points or so should be enough to see them through. Will they claim these points on Tuesday at the Emirates? It wouldn't be the first time we suffer an indignity at the hands of the Bavarian barbarians. Our hopes of advancing hang by a thread (if only we could suffer the sword of Damocles...). Perhaps it's best then that we let Bayern have their way with us while we abandon all hope. Bollocks.

With UEFA draw done, Arsène turns to confirm SHOCK transfer...

As you've no doubt read by now, Arsenal avoided a Group of Death draw for the Champions League group-stage, joining Bayern Munich, Olympiacos, and Dinamo Zagreb in Group F. In other words, yes, we're again locked in against the Bavarian Behemoth, but we've dodged (for now) the threats posed by AS Roma, Wolfsburg, and Borussia Mönchengladbach. While we've earned ourselves a bit of a reprieve from the perennial palpitations over how we'll qualify for the Champions League before deciding whom to sign, we've merely postponed the angst until the actual draw. Now that we know who we'll be facing, it's only a matter of time before we learn of our latest signing.

The Transfer Merry-Go-Round sends Schneiderlin to Arsenal...

In 2013, we saw Tottenham sell Bale to Real Madrid, who financed that move in part by selling us Özil. In 2014, Liverpool sold Suarez to Barcelona, who financed that move in part by selling us Alexis. Come 2015, we've waited for the other, other shoe to drop—who among our rivals would sell abroad in order to launch the merry-go-round once again? Would it be Man U selling van Persie to Fenerbahçe? Cue the spit-take. In a bit of a twist, though, one spin 'round might see things moving in a different direction, with Man U signing Bastian Schweinsteiger from Bayern. Before you start drooling over whom we might sign from Bayern, cool your jets. The more-likely knock-on would be Morgan Schneiderlin, whose move to Man U had already stalled ahead of the Schweinsteiger news...